Fighting Numbness

We have another deployment on the horizon. Each day I am painfully aware of the impending goodbye. I am about to live through another "...weight of time."

A little comic relief, learning to laugh at myself ever so slowly. ha.

Do I have what it takes to do this well? Am I prepared? If so, why does it feel so hard?  Why do I still get overwhelmed?...   We can try to prepare - the practical things, cars, house, financial readiness - but my heart is what needs to be most prepared. I am reminded of my own words, the "hardness" shows attachment. The temptation is to start detaching when it gets close. To stop sharing deep feelings because soon he will not be there to hold me. But we push to stay present. He works to stay engaged (which is quite hard for him too). He is also mentally preparing for a completely different reality.

Numbness seems easier, but if we allow ourselves to get numb, we will miss out on the good and the bad all at once. So I choose to feel. I choose to face my fears. I choose to cry instead of stuffing it down. I choose to say, "I am not okay." I choose to text and ask for prayer when I feel weak. The cloud of sadness was raining on me yesterday morning. I was deeply sad.  In the past (and sometimes still) when I know our time is short,  this sadness would have driven me to try to make each moment together count! I would have wanted everything to be amazing...but that thinking is flawed. The pressure itself is crushing. Each misstep or disappointment, no matter how small, is magnified. So instead, this time, I choose to admit, "I am extra sad this morning." This confession made room for extra hugs and space to be sad next to him. I am thankful that over time we have made room for the sadness, not trying to instantly cure it, like it is a disease. There are times that I am not as honest, and it does build up... And that never turns out well. When I deny this current state, I can't receive the help I need from God or others.

Sometimes I feel broken and used up by learning to declare it a BEAUTIFUL MESS.

I could not make this journey without my faith. Many have commented on my strength, but I feel like now is the right time to tell you that it is my personal relationship with Jesus that gets me through. When I say personal- I mean personal. I wrestle with Him when I don't like the circumstances. I cry and breakdown through my prayers to Him. I thank Him and rejoice with Him because I really believe "He has the whole world in His hands." The Bible is not just the guide I live by, but His words and promises nourish me. He is the reason I have never FULLY quit. I have been ready to give up. I get fed up with the mission and the sacrifices our family has to make, and then EVENTUALLY I am reminded that I live this life for more than myself.

This is the perspective I have needed as I have processed through ArtPrize. I did not get selected by the jurors. I did not get voted into round two. That sad cloud came and visited me again. Was I a fool to hope that I even had a chance?! I have been avoiding this announcement. I would like to tell you that the sun is shining and there is no more rain in the forecast, but this was a big deal to me! It was my first public piece. My first time putting my story out there. My first time letting people into this process- thank you for following along. My first time since getting married and having kids that I thought just maybe I would get noticed AND I DID! But expectations are tricky....I saw it going differently. I hoped that the news story would bring enough votes, but I am learning to celebrate the individual victories!!!!! I was noticed, I GOT A NEWS STORY! My husband got to come see it! I had the largest amount of people see my work, EVER! Success doesn't always look like we think it will. I call this a success because I HOPED! I opened up my heart, fully knowing I could be disappointed. The odds were not in my favor, but I HOPED. This gutsy hope is what it took to go out in the studio and press through when it felt too hard. It was this hope that helped me to tell my story on video despite not loving seeing and hearing myself in that way. This hope said, "This hard thing in front of you is worth it." It seems like this piece not only tells about deployment but now that I am reflecting, I see it was the deployments that God used to forge the perseverance I needed to finish well.

I like tangible results, they feel good and make it easier to see that my hard work has paid off. I was hoping for that large sum of money to donate to RHF. I was hoping that getting in meant getting noticed, but I have come to terms with the reality that my ultimate goal is not to be popular (even though that seems nice....REALLY nice. HA.) My ultimate goal is to be true to who God has made me to be. To tell the story that only I can tell, because it is my story. To not look around trying to see if I measure up, but to look up and see my Maker who continues to show me....what only I can do.

I AM SORRY

Thursday night, Friday afternoon and evening, and most of the day on Saturday, I was on site. I stood near The Weight Of Time with my artist tag. I greeted people. I tried to strike a balance between letting them experience the piece and sharing my story behind the piece. There were viewers from all walks of life. Other artists. People that claimed to know nothing about art. Young and old. Groups, couples, and loners. People that had a lot to say and people that avoided conversation. I had one guy refuse to hear because he didn't want my story to "mess up his impression of the piece." Overall, most were friendly and kind people, who were happy to meet the artist and hear this Army wife's story. I had those who teared up. Who shared how my story related to their experience. I got hugs and thank yous, but I also got many "Thank your husband," and "When is he getting out?" and "Is he home?" And I realized they didn't quite get what I was trying to say. The hardest comments were "I hope he makes it home", but the one that still has me thinking is "I am sorry you miss him so much."

It was heartfelt. A sorry you hurt kinda sentiment, but it struck a chord in me. I didn't really respond because it was in passing, but I want to address this now. I AM NOT SORRY I MISS HIM. Missing takes courage. Staying connected takes risk. There is this sense that "it should get easier", but in reality as you continue to build a life TOGETHER, there is more to miss. There are deeper bonds- but isn't that what marriage is about? Having a life that is influenced by the other. Where you consider them. Staying connected is a must. We have said if it ever gets to the point where we are looking forward to the separation then we need to take a look at why.

So what I am not saying? I’m not saying I have no life or ambition outside of him. I have my personal goals but I do my best to invite him in. That is why he has learned to appreciate art.. That is why I have read books about the army and have learned the army language of acronyms (even though translation is still necessary at times). I am an artist. I have friends that get a lot more attention when he is away.....girls nights in, or out. A bit of travel with my kids. I realized that I can't wait to do everything I want to do until he is home because that would mean I was just biding time while he was away. So we live life. We enjoy where we are. He is happy for the good things I get to experience when he is gone. I celebrate his successful missions and I am happy for good training opportunities. When we are back together, we squeeze the most out of our time. We travel. We have lazy Saturdays. We spend time connecting with others.

taking a break...

I want those who read and see my story to know, yes, it is sad. But more than that, there is a beauty that is being forged. There is a beauty being forged in me as I learn how to navigate this hard, but good process of releasing the one I love to live out what he was made to do. In turn, I discover I was made to stay and how staying takes a different courage but courage nonetheless. The courage to stick with it through many unknowns and uncertainties. The courage to be over your head and accept help. This is my new definition of ARMY STRONG: meaningful connection at home and away that creates strong family bonds within families and with other families.

very offical

We will still need help and encouragement. Individual families will not be able to handle all the military asks of them, alone. But let's not just "handle it." Let's thrive as we embrace the risk of true relationship. Let’s be honest and receive help, and give it too. Let’s not be sorry to do what we were made to do. Let’s embrace the beautiful messy lives that we and others live, even when it is uncomfortable. That’s real strength.

Video Artist Statement below

Vote code 63358

To Vote for This Piece for all who are in the Grand Rapids area.

Click on http://www.artprize.org/63358

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Sky Gazing

I am an artist. I have been inspired by many artists, but today my inspiration came from my surroundings. Beauty is my currency. It fills me up. I gulp in the blue skies. I love gazing at the clouds. The sky, for me, is the beauty my eyes have been scanning more and more. I am happy to report that the skies are clear, there's no rain in sight. 

Cornfields and blue sky for days.  

As I walked through Fredrick Meijer Gardens & Sculpture Park today, I was struck by its beauty and thoughtfulness. I enjoyed seeing all the different sculptures intermixed with beautiful nature. Each one inspired different interaction. I was transported to a new place as I enjoyed the well thought out Japanese Garden area. I felt like a child again. Wide-eyed and full. Full of wonder and curiosity as I took in new sights. Full of energy.

Arch Sculture and unbelievable Sky. 

The location my artwork will be for ArtPrize. Downtown Grand Rapids, MI.  

I  am visiting Grand Rapids.....home of Art Prize. The welcome sign read "Pure Michigan" and I have not been disappointed. The fields. The sky. The cool air. The kind and friendly people.

I wonder how I can take this beauty into my studio? How will it inspire me? What shall I do with all the new visual memories I am making? Only time will tell. I once had a professor in college express this same sentiment...it is hard to know how your experiences will affect your art. You must let it germinate. Sometimes I think I know, but really the evolving and the influences are more subtle than I realize. I write things down as they come. And I scratch my thumbnails (small composition based drawing sketches.) This does help me think through ideas, but my paintings that come to life are more than drawings with paint. I believe that the history behind each piece is important. The first layer informs the next layer and eventually it is part of the history that needs to stay preserved, untouched. This experience leads to the finished piece. This journey that I am describing is something I must work at. I work to keep the dialog going. I work to show up. I work against the fear that it isn't going to be "the best" because not all are. Some are the awkward learning pieces that potentially get painted over in another season, once I have learned what needed to be learned.

I paint to see. I learn about myself as I paint. Painting is my out loud for all to see processing. This carries the potential for a lot of embarrassment, but I’m willing to risk the embarrassment, in order to learn and grow. I want to test my limits. I want to try new things. I want to perfect old ways as they resurface. I especially love revisiting  an idea that I stopped short, not plunging the depths- whether it is a brushstroke, a story, a color, or  a color scheme. I am curious by nature. This can get me in trouble at times, but with art it is one of my biggest strengths. The power of curiosity. The wonder.

Big Star Lake, MI

I also love being the co-pilot with my best friend. And road trips are good for me, with free reign to talk. Nothing else to do but pass the time. Often this is when discoveries happen and this trip has been no different. I discovered that I have a slight block with smaller oil paintings. I struggle to get the same consistency of satisfaction with them.  My "small barrier" seems to be 2'x2' and under. As soon as I go up to a 3'x3', I seem to hit a sweet spot. My most recent piece, my first work intended only for a public space, was large (8'x9' together, but with spacing 8'x19'). Making it has been invigorating. The scale itself was inspiring. I am encouraged to explore more public works..... This is definitely appealing to me. I am not sure if it is all the murals I have completed or my love for the presentation and installation of work, but I've realized  large work seems to breed a deep satisfaction in me.

I remember my drawing class in college. It  was not a typical drawing class. It wasn't just works on paper tacked to the critique wall. The word "drawing" was used loosely. This class was about discovery. It was about delving deeper into the thing I wanted to explore more. Mine happened to be obsessive patterning. It was so helpful to try this in all different ways.  Though miniatures. With wire. By carving a pumpkin. I even had the opportunity to display Gatorade bottles in a bucket of ice. I'm thankful for what I learned  and how I grew through that process.

All that I have created. All the classes I have sat through. The good and bad critiques. Sales. Rejection and acceptance letters. These have made me. But so did moving out. And graduating college.  Moving home. Meeting the man of my dreams. Getting married. Having babies. Enduring emotional and physical pain. Making friends and loosing friends. These experiences, this process, the successes and failures all together, make up my history. They’ve formed my depth as a person and as an artist.

Watercolors in process.  

Whether you are on the hilltop or in a valley. Take it one day at a time. One step at a time. It will be lovely when all the sudden you discover you are at a vantage point with a better view. So gaze up at the sky and gulp it in. Be inspired. Soak in any beauty you can find. And let it affect you.